Throughout my 30 years, 8 months, and 2 weeks of life I have had some pretty shitty days. Those days were nothing compared to January 1, 2012. This was the worst day of my life. On this day, we found out that we lost our baby.
After my appointment last week I experienced some bleeding. I called my doctor to see if it was anything to be concerned about (obviously when you're pregnant and you see blood, you're going to be concerned). I was told by the nurse that it was typical after a pelvic exam and she gave me a couple of things to look out for. Saturday the bleeding was a little worse but the doctor's office was closed and they don't have an answering service apparently. I stood in my kitchen, praying to God to keep my baby safe. I had a feeling of calm come over me and I knew at that moment that my baby was safe, safe in heaven. I still called my Mom to talk to her about it and possibly to try to convince myself that this wasn't really happening. I did feel better for a while but knew in my heart it was all over. The next day, New Year's Day, the bleeding worsened and so did the cramping. That afternoon I knew it was time to go to the emergency room. There they did another pelvic exam followed by an ultrasound. I have seen so many ultrasounds with my first pregnancy that I knew (more or less) what I was looking at. I saw the sac, I knew when she was measuring the amniotic fluid, and I knew when I was supposed to be listening to the heartbeat. There was no heartbeat. There was no baby there at all. The tech didn't say anything, just continued to look around inside. I knew though. A tear shot down my cheek. When she was done, I glanced at Ken and mouthed "No heartbeat." Then I asked her just to be sure. She said that there was no heartbeat. She said she thought it was probably something called a Blighted Ovum. As she described it, it meant that there never was a baby in the first place. She said fertilization occurred and my body thought I was pregnant and went through all of the motions but for what ever reason, it was not a viable pregnancy and my body expelled the fertilized egg. Since then I have learned much more about Blighted Ovums. I think she was trying to make us feel better. There was a baby. There is no way to know exactly what happened but either the cells just didn't split, the egg didn't implant correctly, or there was a chromosomal defect so severe my body knew it wasn't meant to be.
Unfortunately, my body also continued on as if I was pregnant. I had all the typical signs and symptoms, although they had subsided the last week or two. I had even begun to grow a baby bump.
After the ER, Ken dropped me off at home and went to get Sophia from his Mom's house. I walked in the door and just stared. I stared and stared. At walls. At the Christmas tree. I turned on the tv and stared right through it. I didn't want to talk to anyone. That continued all night. I finally fell asleep for a while but woke up at about 4 and it all hit me again. I went to Sophia's room and laid on the floor of her room for the rest of the night listening to her sleep. Yesterday wasn't much better. The only thing that really kept me going was Sophia and the need to take care of my daughter. She has no idea what is going on and is just as playful, joyful, and loving as ever. Her touch and her laughter make me forget for a moment. Even her tantrums are a wonderful distraction.
Yesterday afternoon we went out into the back yard and played for a while. I spread some seeds from my flowers and imagined the pretty flowers coming up in the spring. We made plans for expanding Sophia's play area so that we can fit her playset we intend to get her for her birthday next month. This all made me feel much better, although I still had a pit in my stomach the entire time.
My feelings and emotions seem to change by the hour. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm heartbroken. I'm grateful that it happened when it did as opposed to later in the pregnancy. Most of all, I'm so completely disappointed. This one never changes. Making the decision to have another baby was making the decision to change our lives forever. We made plans, we envisioned our lives with two babies, we were so excited. I know we will try again when we can. I know we will have another baby. But for know, we are heartbroken and so disappointed that this was taken from us. I will never be 100% again. My baby died before I got a chance to know him/her. That's not something that ever goes away.
Ken has been so wonderful. I know he is hurting too, but his number one concern and priority has been to make sure I'm ok and get me anything I need. He's such a great husband and father and he too is heartbroken that he lost his baby.
I'm now charged with the task of telling all those that we had announced the baby to that there won't be a baby at this time. Fortunately, I didn't broadcast anything on Facebook. We go back to the doctor tomorrow to find out if we will continue to let the miscarriage complete naturally or if a D & C is necessary. Regardless of what happens, I won't write about this again.
Letter to Sophia:
My sweet girl,
Someday, when you are grown up, I will tell you all about this. I am so thankful that you are too young to understand what is happening. You would have been so loving to this baby. He/She would have been lucky to have you as a big sister.
I want to thank you for your mere existence. Were it not for your presence in my life I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few days. You give me reason to go on and move forward with life.
I love you soooo much and now, you have a guardian angel watching over you forever.
Always remember, Mommy loves you.
Letter to Baby:
Dearest Baby,
Although you never were able to come home to us, you will always be a part of this family. We loved you so much from the moment we knew about you. We will continue to love you forever.
I know you were taken away according to God's plan. While we don't understand it. We have to accept it. I know that one day, I will meet you and finally get to see your sweet face.
Love,
Your Mommy
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