Bumpdate - Weeks 36 and 37!

Full-Term Baby!  Yippee!  We made it!  Not that Sophia was extremely premature, but technically she was.  And during that whole scary time, we just hoping to get to 37 weeks because that's when the risks of underdeveloped lungs substantially drops.  So to know that we got here this time with no (well...relatively no) troubles is GREAT!

At my appointments, my blood pressure has still been fluctuating quite a bit.  It has ranged from about 128/82 - 150/92 (that was a one time occurrence and was very scary!  I thought bedrest for sure!)  Typically though, it was more in the 135/85 area.  This meant we had more flexibility with scheduling the section.

When we first found out I was pregnant and I started to look at the calendar, I noticed a certain date.  April 23rd.  I always knew that a scheduled csection was going to be a likelihood and I knew that my friend April had to schedule her second section for two weeks before her due date.  For us, this would be April 23rd.  At the time I noticed this date, I remember thinking it would be very cool.  That date is my Mom and Dad's anniversary.  I've always had a weird thing with the number 23.  It was always important to me for some reason.  It would pop up everywhere and I used it for a lot of codes and pins etc.  It was also always my Dad's "number" for everything.  His jersey numbers were always 23.  He also used it for everything.  In fact, his email password is sophia23.  After his passing and once things starting getting weird with the pregnancy.  That date took on new meaning for me.  Now I knew what that number was meant for.  That date is supposed to be Ellie's birthday!

It kills me that he is not here right now to share in this time.  Had we had a boy, we had considered naming him Andrew, after my dad.  Having her on this date is, in my eyes, the ultimate way to give a shout out to me dad from Ellie for her entire life.  So each appointment that we got closer to 37 weeks (that's when they will usually do a scheduled section or induction in high risk pregnancies) and the more normal my blood pressure would be, the more hopeful I was that we could hold out to 38 weeks.  I saw several drs during this time.  Each one would talk to me about the section and would ask me if there was  a certain date/day that was important to me.  I  had to explain over and over about the 23rd.  Since that was 38 weeks, a week later than they preferred, they had to mull over it in one of their high-risk meetings.  Finally the results were in and we were  good to go!  The 23rd it is!  That's tomorrow!  AHHHHH!!!

Scheduling the birth of your child is super strange.  I have been more or less ready for her to come for weeks but to actually make "plans" for the whole thing is very weird.  My mom came down today (Monday the 22nd) and will stay the week.  She and Camille will rotate Sophia duty.  My bags are packed and I'm ready to go.  I also got to plan out my last day of work.  I still had all of my appointments each week which meant I only had been working half-days on Mondays and taking Thursdays off.  So I decided that my last day would be Tuesday, April 16th  This gave me one day to chill with Soph, one day for my birthday, and two days of appointments before the birth.  Honestly, I've been mentally checked out for weeks just looking forward to everything we have going on.

We also were able to plan out a special last weekend as a party of three.  Friday the 19th was my birthday.  Ken got me a pedicure, I went to lunch with Camille and Sophia, then Soph and I went out to ice cream.  Ken and I had plans to really celebrate and have one last date night for a while on Saturday, so Friday night, we just went to Dion's for dinner.  I absolutely love doing a family dinner night on Fridays at Dion's.  I don't know why, but it just seems so down to earth to me :)  Saturday we played outside with Sophia, then went to Katana (teppanyaki) for dinner with Tom.  Afterwards we went to local restaurant with a patio and listened to live music.  And Sunday, we just hung out with Sophia all day.  We ended the day with her favorite movie, Wreck-it Ralph, and ice cream.  It was such a fun weekend!

Strangely, I've been feeling a lot of increased action inside there lately.  I've had Braxton-Hicks since I was about 16 weeks, but they've been getting more intense lately.  They've been measuring pretty good on the NST strips too.  Starting Sunday, I noticed my contractions getting even more intense and more regular.  Especially when I was sitting or laying down.  I downloaded a contraction timer and for the past 36 hours or so, the contractions have been coming every 8 minutes of less.  Looks like baby girl is ready to come with or without the section!

As I look forward to tomorrow, I just have to reflect on my pregnancy as a whole.  I have had soooo much fun being pregnant!  It is truly a miracle to be able to carry your baby.  I will miss feeling her from inside so much, but look so forward to seeing her sweet little face.  Today Sophia told me that she thinks Ellie will tell her "Hello, Sophia!" then honk her nose.  I doubt it will happen like that, but I can't wait to see Sophia's reaction.  I just have to say that this baby has truly saved my life in the last three months.  I can't even express how much her existence has helped me get through this time.  Thank you Ellie!  Thank you for all that you have done for me.  We'll see you tomorrow!

Symptoms:  I'm breathing easier.  "Lightening" apparently.  I've been having strong but not too painful contractions.  I've been sooooo emotional!

Cravings/Aversions:  I haven't been too hungry at all.  Not grossed out or anything, just not hungry.

Sleep: A million pillows.  Searching desperately to find a comfortable position, while headed to the potty every 12 seconds.

Movement: Tons of big rolling movements.  I can tell she's running out of room!

Gender:  Three times confirmed to be a girl.  (Good thing bc she definitely has a girl room)

Maternity Clothes:  Most definitely.  Some shirts are getting to be short bc of the roundness of the belly :)

Best moment this week:  Realizing that I was having contractions and that early labor was beginning.  She's ready!

Next doctor appointment:  Does a scheduled C-Section count?

Due Date:  April 23rd...that's tomorrow y'all!

37 Weeks!  Full Term!

 Date Night for Mommy and Daddy!

And a little playtime with my first baby.

I'm. Sorry. For. Your. Loss

The worst 5 word combination I've ever heard.  I've used it before myself when offering condolences to others on the loss of a loved one, but never realized just how empty and pointless they are until this year.

I've debated for a long time whether or not to write about this.  On one hand, it's something I wish had never happened and wish would disappear all together. Writing about it will immortalize the story.  On the other hand, the purpose of my blog is to journal my feelings about the happenings of my life so that in the future I can look back and say "Oh yeah, I remember that!".  I've been so behind on my regular blogs because I find it difficult to write about anything else with this thing lurking around.  And so I have decided to go ahead and piece together the details of that time, my feelings and emotions, and anything else I can remember so that I can always look back and remember that it was and is just as horrible as I think it was.

In the last few years, I've spoken a lot of my Dad's illness and impending death.  On January 26, 2013, it happened.  He died.  My Dad died.  It's still surreal to say or even think.

While I was pregnant with Sophia, he started to get sick a lot.  There was just something off about his breathing.  During that time he was hospitalized with Pneumonia.  Shortly after I had her, he called to give me the news.  He said that he had a disease called Pulmonary Fibrosis which was incurable except to do a double lung transplant.  It took me  a long time to really come to terms with what this meant.  During that initial conversation, I was quiet and seemed to be accepting of what he was telling me.  In reality, it takes me a while to process news like that.  The same thing happened when I was told that my grandma had cancer.  Everyone thought I was unaffected but really, I just needed time to process.  After getting the details of the disease, I started my research as we all do... online.  3-5 years life expectancy after diagnosis.  3-5 years? How could that be?  There had to be something wrong.  He had to be an exception.

I think it's important to share just how close he and I were.  I believe with all of my heart and soul that he and I were as close as two human beings can possibly be.  This includes husbands and wives, parents and children, and any other combination you can think of.  I seriously worshiped this man and I knew everyday of my entire life that he worshipped me as well.  He and I thought alike, felt alike, laughed alike, and were hurt alike.  Since his passing, something has become very clear to me.  My Dad is my soul mate.

During the next 3 years, everything in my life changed.  Not only had I just become a mother, but I also was chained to constant worry and anxiety over my Dad.  There were countless times that we all thought "this is it".  Either he was hospitalized with Pneumonia or some new ailment had hit him.  And each time, we would get though it.  During those times, and even when things were going along normally, I would allow myself to consider the fact that he was going to die.  This thought tore me apart.  I felt like my body was turning inside out at the thought of it.  It couldn't happen.  It just couldn't happen.  I developed pretty serious anxiety issues.  I had crazy outbursts of screaming and throwing things.  The tiniest thing would totally set me off.  I would cry myself to sleep, cry in the shower, cry while I was driving, cry cry cry.  I became completely attached to my cell phone.  If it rang, I ran to it as quickly as possible in case it was him.  I NEVER ignored his calls or text, even if I was in the shower or eating dinner or whatever.  There was also the issue of Sophia.  I grew up not remembering my Grandfather (my Dad's dad).  Everyone always said how I was the love of his life, yet I had no memory of him.  It just didn't make sense to me that Sophia wouldn't get a chance to know the most important person in my life.  He felt the same way.  We made sure, as evidenced by our many trips to NC and daily Skype sessions, that she would know him and remember him.  Of course there is no way to know if she really will remember, but she does ask about him still, knows him in pictures, and occasionally recalls things that they did together or he would say to her.  Time will tell.

How it happened.

He had been in in-home hospice care for a while.  His breathing had become so terrible.  He couldn't do anything any more.  He was also very out of sorts and confused all the time.  A week or so before, the decision was made that his condition was worsening and he should take a trip to the hospice center for treatment. Perhaps there was an infection or something that could be cleared up.  Unfortunately, this was the same hospice center that my grandma was in when she died.  My dad said over and over that he did not want to die there.  He was terrified of going there.  My aunt and I shared some guilt over agreeing to let them take him knowing how scared he was.  None the less, he went.  Of course he was always in my prayers at night but for some reason, my prayers changed that week.  I prayed all that week for God to bring him peace.  I knew how scared and miserable he was and I just wanted him to have some peace.
For the first few days, he actually did seem to be improving and feeling better.  I still spoke to him multiple times a day just as I always did.  Friday night, January 25th, I spoke to him for what would be the last time.  He had been trying to get his computer hooked up so that he could Skype with Soph while he was there.  It had been a couple of weeks and she was asking about it.  I still don't know if there was actually an issue with the laptop or if he was just so disoriented that he couldn't get it together.  That night we spoke of trying to get a nurse to help him with it in the morning.  He was encouraged and told me to call him right when we got up the next morning.

During this time, there were 4 things that happened that I will never forget.

1)  Saturday morning, my aunt called me at around 7am.  She said that he had woken up very disoriented. He didn't recognize her and was screaming at her that she was trying to kill her.  The doctors had to sedate him so that he didn't hurt himself or someone else.  He fell asleep peacefully.  My aunt asked the nurses what was happening and they said he was dying.  As I heard her say these words, all I could think was that they were wrong, just like they always were.  This was just another time that we would all think "this is it".  I told Ken what she said and he started to cry a little.  We went about our morning routing as normal, minus the fact that we would typically be on Skype.  We ate our breakfast and Ken got up from the table to clean up.  As I sat there, looking at the spot on the table where the computer usually sat on Saturday mornings, it hit me.  He was asleep and would possibly not wake up.  I had possibly spoken to my dad for the last time.  I felt like all the blood rushed from my face and a ran to the kitchen to Ken.  I completely broke down sobbing and heaving.  He had to hold me up and was sobbing right along with me.  I screamed that it wasn't fair and why was this happening and no, it can't be.  This was the unimaginable moment that I had feared for 3 years.

2)  My Uncle Rudy had planned to go to NC to visit him that day anyway.  When he got there, he spoke to the medical staff to assess what was going on.  He called me to let me know what he had learned.  To distract me a little, Ken suggested that we begin decorating for Sophia's birthday party.  We were in the middle of it when my uncle called.  He said that they told him that it would be a miracle if my dad woke up at this point.  I asked him if he could put the phone to his hear so that I could try to talk to him.  We agreed that when I was done, I would hang up then call back to let them know I was done.  He put the phone to his ear, and once again I lost it.  I told him over and over how much I love him.  I told him I wasn't ready to let him go.  I begged him and pleaded with God to let him wake up just for a minute so that he could tell me goodbye.  I stood in Sophia's room looking into her mirror as I sobbed and yelled and begged.  I was unrecognizable.  Finally when I couldn't take any more, I hung up the phone and collapsed.

3)  After my "conversation" with him, I felt so guilty.  I should have been telling him that I would be ok.  He was not afraid of dying.  He was only afraid of what his death would do to me.  I should have told him that it was time to go and not to worry about me.  Later that evening, we decided to go out to dinner.  Before we left, I called my uncle again to see if I could let Sophia tell him goodnight.  He put the phone to his ear and she told him "Goodnight Grandpa.  I love you!"  Then I took the phone and told him what I should have said in the first place.  That I loved him, that I would be ok, that I knew just how much he loved me, and that I would never let Sophia forget him.  We went to dinner and I kept my phone in my hand the entire time.  At about 8:00 it rang.  I ran out of the restaurant to answer it.  "He passed away."  My uncle was sobbing.  I just stood there saying "Oh my god. Oh my god."  Once again, I needed time to process.  Everything was spinning and everything was quiet.  I went back inside to tell Ken. He had already paid the bill and was ready to go.  That night I didn't cry any more. I was stunned.  Even though I had been preparing myself for this for three years, I was completely shocked.

4)  I went to North Carolina on Tuesday for the service on Wednesday.  As we went into the church, the same church were he was baptized the previous summer, I couldn't believe what I was there for.  How could I possibly be at my dad's funeral. I didn't want anyone to look at me or talk to me except my aunt and uncles.  The Pastor had got to know my dad very well over the time he was sick and was able to share some very nice personal stories about him.  The whole time, my body was once again turning inside out and I literally wanted to stand up and run out of there as quickly as possible.  My Uncle Rudy had written a eulogy to deliver at the service.  I was and still am so grateful to him for having the courage to deliver it.  It was amazing.   It was everything I could have wanted to be said.  Most importantly to me, it confirmed that everyone else knew just how special our relationship was.  He started by saying that he and my dad had spoken of death and heaven a number of times.  They agreed that for my dad, heaven would be a sports bar.  At the bar he would a special TV for each of the people in his life that he loved and wanted to watch over.  He went one by one through all the different parts of the family but left out my aunt and myself.  He spoke of the generous, caring, loving, and humorous person that my dad was and how he was so thankful that his own family got to know him and experience him in their own lives.  Next, he talked about my aunt.  He said there is a special place in heaven waiting for her after everything she did for both my grandma and my dad in their final time on earth.  He expressed his gratitude to her and I couldn't agree more with everything he said.  Through out all of it he stopped several times to try to collect himself, as he could hardly speak through his tears at times.  Then he paused for what felt like several minutes but was probably only a few seconds and said, "That was the easy part."  I knew what was coming.  He said, "And then there was Jen."  He went on to talk about how I was his every joy.  That his life was about me.  He spoke of how incredibly proud of me he was.  He said that it seemed like every time he called him, he was telling him something new I had done to make him proud.  "Jen's graduating from college.  Jen's getting married.  Jen bought a house.  Jen's getting her master's.  Jen's going to be a teacher."  And then he said, "And then, Jen, you really did it.  You went and gave him Sophia."  She was the light of his life.  He thanked me for understanding the severity of the situation and doing everything I could to make sure they were close.

The next few days are sort of a blur.  Sophia's birthday was the following Saturday.  I had already made all the arrangements for her party and it never even crossed my mind to cancel it.  I would hate that, she would hate that, and he definitely would hate that.  I went through the motions and I know she had a great time.

I sit here today, on my 32nd birthday, wishing he would call me.  It's been nearly three months.  It feels more like 3 years and yet, it hasn't gotten any easier.  In many ways it's harder.  The grief is still there.  The shock is still there.  The gaping hole is still there.  Only now, I miss him.  I miss him everyday.  I think about him all the time.  I want to call him.  I want him to call me.  I want him to tell me something stupid.  I want to send him pictures of what we're having for dinner.  I just want him here.  There is no regret about not calling him enough or telling him that I love him enough.  That's the one and only benefit of knowing this was coming.  I made sure I would have no regrets.  But it's never enough.

My dad was one of a kind.  He was so incredibly generous and kind and loving and funny.  He went out of his way every single day of his life to make others feel special.  He made many mistakes.  During his final year, he opened up to me about the full impact his own father's death had on him.  Our experiences were very similar in that regard.  He told me his secrets and other very private matters.  Now that I have gone through the same thing, I can see how it could very easily have turned me toward a very bad place.  This world is worse off without him here.  Anyone that didn't know him, is short-changed and anyone who had the privilege of meeting him should consider themselves very lucky.

 There are certain things in my life that have solidified my faith.  First was when I was pregnant with Sophia.  I knew that there was no amount of science that could explain the miracle that is creating a life and a soul.  Next has been this experience.  Last year when we lost our baby, I thought it was the worst thing I could ever experience.  In retrospect I see that had I carried that baby to full-term, I would not have been able to spend time with my dad during his last year.  I'm obviously not saying I'm glad I lost that baby, I know he's waiting for me in heaven, but I can see a little piece of God's plan in that loss.  I also can see now that the timing of my pregnancy with Ellie is nothing short of another gift from God.  My dad got to know of her existence and even though he'll never get to hold her in the flesh, he's caring for her now until he passes her on to me.  It is said that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  If it were not for this baby growing inside me, I do not know how I could have handled it.  All the times in the last 3 months that I felt hopeless and panicked, I would be forced to think of this sweet life I'm growing and I would have to take care of myself.  I couldn't go to the place I wanted to go.  I have two little miracles to think of above myself.

He told me one time recently that I was his best friend from the moment I was born.  It was the same for me.  I'm told that in time it will get easier.  The loss I feel now is overwhelming. There is forever a piece of me missing.

"That's the trouble with soul mates, one's not much without the other." - What Dreams May Come

Bumpdate Weeks 23-35...yeah, I know, I suck.

So, a little has happened since last I updated the pregnancy files.

In January, we had to go to Albuquerque to the Pinon Perinatal Center for a second-level ultra-sound.  Baby girl has one kidney that is a teeny-tiny bit enlarged so they wanted to look at it further (READ: Make a huge deal about it only to tell us that it's probably fine and they will just continue to monitor it throughout the pregnancy)

From here on out, we would have monthly ultrasounds.  Fine by me.  Any chance to see little one from within is always enjoyable.  At around 30 weeks, we finally had the conversation with the doctor about whether or not a VBAC would be possible.  After she considered all of the factors (history of preeclampsia, enlarged kidney, and small fibroid need the incision site) she determined that it would be in my best interest to go ahead with a planned c-section at 39 weeks, but that if I were to go into labor on my own and was progressed pretty far by the time I got to the hospital, we could consider the VBAC.

Shortly after that appointment, things got a little weird.  At my 32 week appointment, my blood pressure was elevated.  Not super high, just elevated from what it had been.  I had to do my favorite thing, which is a 24 hour urine test, and was scheduled for a couple of days later to return for another blood pressure check.  That day my BP was still a little high but not within the range of Preeclampsia (140/90).  However, the talk still began of moving up a c-section to 37 weeks if my blood pressure continued to rise.  And if it didn't, I could still go to 38-39 weeks.  Dr. Johnson asked me if there was any specific day/date/provider that I would prefer.  April 23rd is right at the 38 week mark and so I asked him if it would be possible to do it on that date.  The importance of that date is insurmountable for me.  (Again, I'll explain more of this in a future post) The next week (Thursday) I was scheduled for a high risk ultrasound, NST, and follow up test.  Fortunately my BP was fine, the U/S was fine, the NST was fine, and everything was looking good.  Doctors being doctors, they still scheduled me for the same set of tests the following week, plus an additional NST on Monday.  At that appointment my BP was still fine and so was the NST.  Then came the full gammot of tests that Thursday.  U/S good, NST good, Blood Pressure...not good...142/90.  Crap.  So here we go again.  Twice weekly appointments scheduled for the rest of the month and weekly 24-hour urine tests.  I'm still only considered on the borderline of hypertention, which means they are only calling it elevated blood pressure and not prescribing bed rest.

So, as of today, April 5th, we are between 12 and 17 days of holding our baby girl.  We are completely ready (as far as having all the 'stuff' we need) and very excited to meet our little bundle!

Symptoms:  For weeks 23-30 or so, I just felt great!  Great Great Great!  30-33 I started to slow down a bit.  Started getting tired after lunch.  Major heartburn.  33- Present - I'm huge and uncomfortable!  My belly shape is sooooo much different this time.  She just sticks straight out of me in a huge basketball!  This makes me really uncomfortable.  I also have been tanning REALLY easily!  I don't know if this is legitimate but I've hardly been outside and my skin looks like it does in August.  Definitely not complaining about this one :)

Cravings/Aversions:  I don't really crave anything any more, in fact, I can hardly eat at all.  When I eat I feel like I can't breathe.  Fun stuff.

Sleep: I don't remember what that was like :/  Can't breathe, uncomfortable, bleh. 

Movement: All the time!  Since Sophia was so tiny (and I was bigger myself) I didn't see her moving from outside.  I can see Ellie in the Belly all day.  I love it. Love it love it love it.  I've even taken several cool videos of her moving around.  So cool.

Gender:  Three times confirmed to be a girl.  (Good thing bc she definitely has a girl room)

Maternity Clothes:  Most definitely.  Some shirts are getting to be short bc of the roundness of the belly :)

Best moment this week:  I asked Sophia what she was planning to say to Ellie when she see's her and her response was "Nice to meet you."  Oh how I love that girl.  

Next doctor appointment:  Monday, April 8th and Thursday, April 11th.

Due Date:  Between April 16th and April 24th.

Here are some photos of baby and belly.  I never really did the weekly belly shot thing but you can still see the progression of my basketball.